You’re becoming worried about your parent’s health.  It may be failing memory; it could be aches or pains you feel aren’t quite right, or maybe you want the doctor’s opinion about whether your elderly parent should stop driving.  Whatever the concern, your mum or dad just refuses to visit the doctor.

“I don’t want to bother him.”

“It’s nothing to worry about.”

“Stop fussing!”

These are all very familiar and frustrating responses.  The fact remains, though, that the problem is still there and you don’t know what to do, so here are some suggestions about tackling this sensitive issue.

Understanding the Problem

First of all you need to consider why your parent is refusing to go.

Denial

This is very common.  Whilst intellectually it seems to make no sense, in terms of our emotional evolution it serves exactly like a cave sheltering us from the elements – it’s a form of protection.  We deny something and for a time at least we don’t have to face up to it.  If you’re confronting something as horrifying as Alzheimer’s disease, for instance, you can appreciate why someone would rather pretend there’s not a problem.

Generational Attitudes

These days we demand a lot from people who provide public services, but your parents are likely to be from a generation where that wasn’t the case.  The doctor was just a few notches down from God and you didn’t bother him unless it was essential.  Consequently your parent may feel that apparently small things which have been going on for a long while are not worth his valuable time.

Embarrassment

This doesn’t have to be about undressing.  Simply exposing frailty or indeed worrying it will turn out to be nothing can create strong feelings of embarrassment in the elderly.

Control

As your parent grows older, the sense of losing control increases.  Bodily limitations start to restrict life and when family members do what they can to help this can be seen by your parent as even more control slipping away.  Remember, their life has been defined by looking after you and now that position is starting to reverse.  That’s not always easy to deal with and refusing to do things like visiting a doctor can be a way of clinging on to control.

So, for whatever reason, going to the doctor – which doesn’t seem a big deal to you – matters hugely to your parent.  You have to be sensitive to this.  Think of things which make you feel emotionally vulnerable, such as flying or speaking in front of a huge audience.  You may be in your parent’s living room simply asking them to go to the doctor, but to your mum or dad it could feel as huge as the fears you would do anything to avoid.

Strategies for Getting Your Elderly Parent to the Doctor

Whilst it may not feel ‘right’ using subterfuge to ensure your parent visits their GP, you have to keep in mind how important this is.  If you are worried about dementia, for instance, the earlier diagnosis is made the better the long term prospects.

Heart rather than Head

Trying to rationalise the issue is unlikely to work.  Doubtless this was the starting point and it didn’t work then so persisting with all the intellectual reasons for going is only likely to harden the resistance.  Especially if the worries are about dementia, rationality is not going to be a solution, so whatever your strategy, base it in emotions.

Act as a Bridge

If your parent is reluctant to go to the doctor you can suggest dealing with it yourself.  Ask if you can talk with the doctor to explain the concerns and then let the doctor decide if it’s worth looking into.  Sometimes this removes the difficulty of that first step because you have taken it for them.

Don’t Push

Remember the old fable of the sun and the wind betting who could get the man’s coat off?  The wind blows with all his might but the man just pulls the coat tighter.  The sun, on the other hand, patiently shines until the man’s so hot he takes off the coat.

Sometimes you need to take things slowly.  Raise your concerns and if your parent refuses to go leave it there.  You can then return to the matter at a later date after your parent has had time to get used to the idea.  It may take several tries, but if you avoid pushing and instead just keep sensitively suggesting eventually your parent will feel the warmth and act.

Make it Your Weakness

Your mum or dad may dig their heels in by saying it’s their health issue and they don’t feel the need to go.  However, if you make the issue about you and your worrying it can shift the ground.  They still care about you, so by making it clear this issue is really worrying you and that you’d feel reassured if they went, this could cut through their determination not to go.

Use Someone Else

Sometimes the closeness and familiarity of immediate family can be a barrier.  Asking someone else to suggest your parent should visit the doctor can often break through this.  It could be an old friend or maybe someone in a position of authority and influence.  This could be a community group manager or health professional who visits your parent, such as a district nurse or physiotherapist.

Consult the Doctor Yourself

Even if you offered to be the bridge and your parent refused, you can still contact the doctor yourself.  Doctor-patient confidentiality is an important legal issue and GPs are not technically allowed to discuss their patients with anyone – even family – unless there has been written consent from the patient.

In reality, though, doctors are human and realise families are only acting in the best interests of the patient.  They’re also aware the elderly may be reluctant to visit them when there is a clear medical need, especially where dementia is concerned.  So they’ll use their best judgement and will almost certainly be willing to discuss your concerns in a way that is appropriate. 
Together you can devise a strategy.  This could work by getting your parent to visit the doctor about a different, less contentious issue.  Maybe there is a history of high blood pressure or the need for a review of medications.  Whatever the reason, your parent will be more likely to agree to visit and the doctor will be aware of your actual concerns, which could be looked into.

Alternatively, the doctor could make a home visit.  Your parent may not be very happy about this, but if it’s in the long term interests of their wellbeing you will have done the right thing.

Care for your Parents – Support for You

The in-home care services provided by Nobilis mean we have a strong understanding of the difficulties faced by both the elderly and their families.  We aim to support everyone in these situations, through the trusted homecare services available to people in the general Hampshire area as well as by offering advice about any area of concern for the elderly.  If you’re not interested in our services that’s fine, we’re more than happy to share our knowledge and experience and we promise not to subject you to a sales pitch.  We’re genuinely here to help.

Telephone – 0845 8620647