As parents grow older our concerns steadily build.  Can they cope?  Are they at risk?  Does something need to be done?

Often, though, one of the most difficult problems is actually talking about it!  We’re all too aware of the fact our parents are independent people and won’t like the idea of family ‘interfering’. 

We know they have pride which can be hurt and perhaps most of all we know they spent years caring for us, making a conversation about reversing that role seem very daunting indeed.

Yet it does no good putting it off or ignoring it.  Sorting out help where it’s needed and planning sensibly for the future are important priorities, so there are strategies families can adopt to raise these issues sensitively with elderly parents in ways that are more likely to be productive.

Team Plan

When approaching the question of talking through concerns with elderly parents it’s important for the family to work together.  This isn’t about creating a united force to bulldozer parents; rather it’s making sure everyone is presenting the right message of care and concern.

Building on this, it’s important for the family to think ahead.  You all need to be clear what your own concerns are, perhaps considering some positive suggestions about how to deal with them and agreeing on how to raise the issue.

Choosing Your Strategy.  There is no easy-fit solution here – every family is different and what works for one may be less suited to another.  However, think about the following options:
Choose a relaxing time when there is a feeling of unity.  This could be a family gathering for holidays such as Christmas or Easter, or a birthday or maybe after a good Sunday lunch.  This makes the situation easier for your parents and sets the right mood.

Find a natural way in.  The worst thing to do is leap in with, “We’re all really concerned about you!”  Instead you should think of routes into the conversation that will resonate with your parents.  Perhaps one of their friends has had difficulties recently or suffered health problems which have affected their life.  Or maybe your parents have casually mentioned something themselves, such as having difficulty getting to the shops.  “Are you still finding it difficult doing the shopping, Dad?” is a great way in because it grows out of concerns your parents have already expressed.

Listen.  One of the keys to success is not setting out your own list of worries and your even longer list of planned solutions.  Instead you should listen to your parents’ concerns.  See what worries them, encourage them to suggest their own solutions and do everything you can to help them feel they are still in control but with a supportive family to help them out.  You can then develop this to include your own thoughts about possible options without making it look like you’re forcing things on your parents.

Be Patient.  Don’t expect this all to resolve itself in one conversation.  This chat is your starting point and it may be that your parents are resistant to any idea of help to begin with.  However, once you’ve planted that seed they may well think it over by themselves and start to accept the need for change.  It will now also be much easier to revisit the matter.  Even if they point blank say, “We’re fine, we don’t want any help!” then it’s best to leave it there and allow some time to pass before broaching it again.  The entire point of this process is to avoid emergencies and panic; you are planning ahead so there’s no rush to resolve things.

Areas to Consider

Once you’ve got the conversation going it’s important to make the most of the opportunity, so keep in mind a list of areas to think about with your parents.

• Mobility and looking after themselves.  Are physical ailments making it difficult for them to deal with day-to-day jobs such as cleaning and shopping? If they have a bath, how easy is that nowadays?
• Medications.  These can become increasingly complex as time goes on – are they able to deal with that?
• Socialising.  Are your parents able to see their friends and take part in social activities as easily or frequently as they would like?
• Safety.  Do your parents feel safe in their home?  Is there need for an emergency contact system?
• Is one parent actually finding it tough taking care of the needs of the other?  This is a particularly sensitive issue that obviously needs handling with the parent providing the care.
• Are your parents worried about deteriorating health?  Sometimes even just talking about this can help ease the burden.

You may be surprised.  Often parents have been nursing these concerns themselves but haven’t mentioned it because they’re more worried about ‘being a burden’ and just want you to get on with your life.  In a supportive, caring conversation they could well find it a huge relief to open up about these issues and to work with you to find solutions.

Possible Options

If there are problems you and your parents need to address there are many different ways of dealing with them.  Care homes are probably going to be an extreme option at this stage but obviously this is an area to look into and keep in mind.  More likely in the early stages is making sure friends and family are able to provide support.  You can set up rotas or assign particular responsibilities for such things as shopping or sorting out weekly medications in labelled pill-boxes available from pharmacies.  Arranging for a friendly neighbour to check in on a regular basis can add to feelings of security and of course you can install an emergency call system which uses pendants or bracelets.

There are endless gadgets and gizmos to help the elderly these days.  These can be large, such as automatic bath seats, or small, such as electric plugs with easy-grip handles.  Take a look through the catalogues on offer by companies providing such aids and you’ll be surprised how much difference they can make.  You should also contact your local authority, which can advise you of support services available in the area.

The other option is to arrange for homecare services.  These can be adapted to the exact needs of your parents, providing the level of support they need to keep them safe and independent in their own homes for as long as possible.

Nobilis Home Care

Nobilis is a trusted provider of in-home care services for the elderly and infirm in the Hampshire area.  We understand the situation of those in need of support and offer reliable in-home care services which can transform the lives of those who have been struggling.

We also recognise the difficulties faced by families and know the challenges you face.  So if you have concerns with elderly parents which you would like to discuss, the friendly and knowledgeable team at Nobilis are here to help.  We’re not into hard sell; instead we are keen to use our experience to advise anyone who’s unsure about the options.

It can be hard knowing the right thing to do or understanding exactly what’s out there to help. 

Give us a call now for a no-obligation chat on 0845 8620647